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| April Fool News
Releases
News releases form a significant part of the way politicians communicate with the public via the media. This page includes a selection of 1st April 'spoof' news releases issued by Dan Norris. New scheme aimed at tackling pothole repairs outlined by local MP - April 2010 Labour MP 'approached' to trumpet Conservative council successes - April 2009 MP to undertake pioneering artist-in-residence photography role - April 2008 An end to the 'school run' in North East Somerset - April 2007 New meter-oric rise in Bath Spa costs - April 2006 Tooth Fairy to pay out in Euros - April 1999 Bringing the Countryside to Westminster - April 1998 Pavement Politics - April 1997 All content on this page copyright Dan Norris 1997 - 2010
1st April 2009 Labour MP 'approached' to trumpet Conservative council successes A West country Labour MP has told of his surprise at being asked to edit a special tabloid newspaper trumpeting the 'wonderful successes' of a Conservative-run Council. Dan Norris has been Bath and North East Somerset Council's fiercest critic for a number of years. But he said he has been approached to be 'guest editor' of a special edition of a tabloid newspaper to be produced by the Council this month, to mark the beginning of a new financial year. Mr Norris said he was told that, by collating a series of really good things the council is unmistakeably responsible for, the publication would help residents understand the immensely valuable job that B&NES Council does, righting any misconceptions they currently hold. B&NES publishes and circulates a tabloid newspaper quarterly at a cost to council taxpayers of around £15,000 per year. Carrying news from the Council it is imaginatively titled 'Council News'. It has been the subject of criticism in the past because whilst it usually contains things B&NES would like to claim credit for, closer examination shows very many are actually attributable to other sources. Mr Norris explained:
"As guest editor, my edition of the paper would dismiss any notion
that things B&NES claims the credit for are in fact down to other
organisations, such as central government. "April's entries
would include details of how, thanks to B&NES, there will be major
price reductions on chocolate Easter eggs in leading supermarkets across
the district. The way that B&NES painstakingly managed to secure a
third series of TV comedy 'Gavin and Stacey' would also be highlighted.
And there would be a feature on the opening of exciting new play facilities
across North East Somerset and Bath that have only been possible because
B&NES has spent money provided by the Labour government. There would
be lots of pictures of Conservative councillors smiling at the camera.
"The entry for February 2009 would explain the Council's pivotal role in securing the area's largest snowfall for many, many years", he said, "although I would expect to leave out any details relating to whether the Council managed to grit North East Somerset roads effectively to assist motorists. "A summer entry for August would note how, thanks to the Council, puddles had been largely eradicated from local roads and pavements. The fact the Council finds it almost impossible to deal with numerous potholes on the same roads would be omitted, though. "Indeed, all the Council's failures and expensive mistakes would be left out because the amount of paper required to publish such a huge tome is thought to require the harvesting of a forest with the same acreage as the land currently occupied by the Bath Spa." Mr Norris said that, whilst such a special edition would probably be planned for publication this month, April 2009, he thought that in line with the council's well-documented ability to manage major projects tremendously well, residents ought to expect to see it finally hit the doormats around 2012, about the same time as London hosts the Olympics. "B&NES is probably responsible for the UK getting us the Games too," he added. "And the 19 Gold medals we got at Beijing." He said he believed that if the edition proved popular, he could see the B&NES Council News eventually taking the place of many of the area's printed newspapers. "Some of them already trot out stories which give B&NES the credit for things they have little or nothing to do with," he said. Mr Norris said that, in line with the numerous consultations and surveys he issues across the district, he is now asking people to email him with additional suggestions for entries for the newspaper. "If there are things you suspect B&NES Council really deserves the credit for, please email me as soon as possible to ensure inclusion," he said. "But please get your suggestions to me no later than 12 noon today, Wednesday 1 April." When quizzed further, Mr Norris said the approach to be guest editor took place shortly before he woke up in a cold sweat.
1st April 2008 MP to undertake pioneering artist-in-residence photography role A west country MP will be at the heart of a unique Westminster experiment which kicks off today as the House of Commons gets its first-ever 'artist in residence'. Wansdyke MP Dan Norris has been commissioned by Commons authorities to photograph day-to-day happenings in and around the Commons chamber this week. The ground-breaking move follows a warning by the Speaker of the House of Commons to all MPs in mid-March after claims a Labour MP had used a mobile phone to take photographs of Lib Dems abstaining on a key EU vote. Mr Norris, a keen amateur photographer whose work often features in Parliamentary exhibitions, began to zoom in on his new role as he got to grips with his telephoto at the despatch box (see photograph at the foot of this article). He explained: "Any resident artist tries to work in an interactive way with their surroundings, contributing to the life and work of the culture they are representing. I will be aiming to give UK citizens a snapshot - literally - of life in Westminster, to help people get a real insight into the way the place operates. "The only people allowed on the floor of the House of Commons during debates are MPs, so there was never any prospect of getting a professional photographer to undertake this important task," he said. He dismissed suggestions that debates and subsequent editions of Hansard may become dominated by phrases such as 'Watch the birdie' and 'Say cheese', denying camera noises would prove a distraction during debates. "The calming whirr of a camera's motor drive will make a distinct change from catcalling," he said. "I think most MPs will prefer being snapped, to being snapped at," he said. "Parliamentary proceedings have been televised since 1989, if my memory card serves me right," said Mr Norris. "But this will be the first time a roving stills photographer will be able to work during Chamber debates. I want to develop the role to help ensure it becomes part and parcel of Westminster life." Among the scenes the
Labour MP is thought likely to be able to capture are: Mr Norris revealed that, in line with a current Parliamentary fashion for rhymes about MPs, an unnamed colleague who has his eyes on a similar poetry artist-in-residence role had penned a special poem about Mr Norris: When the debate
is approaching closure Mr Norris also ruled out making Parliament's many bars and restaurants a focus for his efforts, and not just because he himself is teetotal. He explained: "I'm just anxious to avoid too much 'red eye' in my pictures." Asked whether he would replace the world-renowned mace, which sits on the table in front of the Speaker when MPs are debating, with a bowl of fruit to help him compose some 'still life' shots, Mr Norris said: "No, don't be silly." Then he added: "And that poem is really awful too." State-of-the-art technology means the new photographs will be transmitted instantly to media representatives who sit high above the Chamber in the press gallery. Mr Norris invited journalists who would like to lodge any requests for particular types of photographs to get in touch with him, but to do so before 12 noon today as he is anticipating a heavy schedule. Notes to editor: 1. A report about
the warning issued by the Speaker to MPs about using mobile phones to
take photographs can be found online
here. 2. A report about
recent odes to MPs read out in the Commons Chamber can be found
here.
An end to the 'school run' in North East Somerset Exciting plans to develop a US-style 'yellow bus' school transport scheme for North East Somerset will be unveiled today. Wansdyke MP Dan Norris will outline proposals which will spell the end for the polluting 'school-run', thought to account for some 20 per cent of morning rush-hour traffic. A large fleet of brand new, distinctive yellow buses will be bought to serve secondary pupils and students across North East Somerset. But the eye-catching plan goes further than simply providing a boost for the environment. North East Somerset will be the very first part of the UK to benefit from the radical and brand new programme which represents the next phase of 'Building Schools for the Future', the government scheme under which hundreds of new schools are being constructed, Previewing today's launch, Mr Norris said: "This is an exciting, innovative strategy which will not only help address pollution concerns, but will also ensure pupils throughout the whole area benefit from modern, purpose-built teaching facilities." Under the new programme, the yellow buses will provide essential transport for youngsters, collecting and dropping them from and to their homes. But, equipped with state-of-the-art laptops and interactive whiteboards, they will be 'mobile schools' travelling throughout North East Somerset all day, with all lessons conducted on board. "This ground-breaking
scheme will not only mean an end to the school run. It will help cut truancy
too. With pupils being collected from their homes, and kept on the bus
all day, attendance rates should rise. We'll be taking the school to the
pupil, not the other way round," said Mr Norris. Under the 'Building Wheels for the Future' programme all the district's secondary school teachers will be re-trained as Category D bus drivers. Mr Norris said the training will be essential to enable teachers to deliver the curriculum from the driver's seat, with their backs to the pupils. "The rear view mirror will become a crucial teaching tool," he said. "Onboard P.E. lessons will provide local teachers with an interesting challenge, but it's one which I'm sure they'll be equal to." Mr Norris also explained how the high concentration of window glass in the vehicles will create a further spin-off, with sections of some buses earmarked as mobile greenhouses to assist biology lessons. "Our new local state schools will be used to cultivate potted plants," he said. Massive injections of government funding mean there are many thousands more staff in schools than there were ten years ago, many of them providing essential support to teachers as learning mentors and support assistants. Mr Norris explained how the yellow bus plan will take this into account: "Smart Cars will be available for some pupils to receive individual one-to-one specialist tuition, and we will be looking for parents with People Carrier vehicles to help facilitate the small group work that can play an important role in boosting achievement levels," he said. It is not yet known whether toilets will be included in the bus design or whether pupils will have to ring the bell to ask the teacher/driver to pull in for a loo stop. "This project is bound to draw criticism from some quarters, but that's not a road I want to go down. In the long-term everyone will want to get on board, so let's get moving," said the Labour MP. Capturing the yellow
fleet for North East Somerset represents a victory for Mr Norris's lobbying
of education officials. The cash-strapped local authority, B&NES,
facing multi-million pound Bath Spa bills, is thought to now be in a position
to abandon plans to replace ageing school buildings with eco-friendly
tents.
MP condemns new
meter-oric rise in Bath Spa costs Wansdyke MP Dan Norris
says council tax payers in North East Somerset will be shocked by news
of a gushing new £817,000 bill for the troubled project which has
emerged today. Worse still for council
tax payers is the prospect that the £817,000 bill could rise still
further. Bath's hot Spa waters rise at about 40 degrees centigrade and
Ministers are set to rule shortly on whether the cost per litre should
increase proportionately with temperature, making hot water dearer than
cold. If they do, it could mean the cost of the Spa's most crucial element
- the water - rocketing through the £1 million per year barrier,
possibly adding still further to council tax bills and bringing the already-tarnished
name of B&NES - 'the most incompetent council in Britain' - into further
disrepute. The spring water's
high temperature is currently seen as a positive selling point for visitors
and could be highlighted in marketing material. But Dan Norris says the
potential extra heat levy meant that once again council-tax payers could
be left to pick up the additional costs: "The Spa operators might
find it neater if the litre meter featured a heater, but our bills would
teeter due to this money-eater," he said. He said: "Establishing a new ice rink in this property would attract new visitors, reduce council tax bills and end the spectre of the Spa. For the first time ever the Bath Spa could bring a smile to the face of the hard pressed North East Somerset council tax payer'!"
Local MP to begin revolutionary technology trial Wansdyke MP Dan Norris this weekend begins trials with a revolutionary technological aid which could become standard apparatus for MPs and Councillors nationwide. The device consists of a tiny micro-chip linked to a wristwatch which has a small screen. Using WAP (wireless application protocol, which is currently revolutionising mobile phone technology) the screen can be used to access a range of information, including the world wide web, e-mail and Labour Party policy documents. The Wansdyke MP is one of a group of just 10 Labour MPs involved in early trials. If successful it could be 'rolled out’ to all the Party's MPs by 2002, and all Councillors and Party members within five years. The device will be carried by MPs at all times. This will be made possible by grafting the chip under the skin by minor surgery, building on technology used to painlessly microchip pets. A tiny wire, resembling those used to keep TV presenters in touch with their producer, will link the chip with the wristwatch. A further optional wire can be added to provide an audio link to Labour Party’s Millbank HQ in London. Demonstrating the "Spinchip" Mr Norris played down suggestions that it is a tool introduced by Labour chiefs at Millbank to keep Party MPs ‘on-message’. "The Spinchip is further evidence of modern Britain. A fairer, better Britain," said the Wansdyke MP while he fiddled with something in his ear. It is expected that Labour MPs included in the trial (which begins on Saturday morning) will have the chip grafted under the arm or on the shoulder. However, the manufacturers stress that facial hair also provides excellent cover to conceal the device. Many male Labour MPs are expected to actually grow beards for this purpose - confounding political commentators across the UK who claim promotion is currently barred to the hirsute. The new system is already attracting criticism from sections of the media. "Journalists who carp really are in a spin. It’s they who have the chip on their shoulder," said Mr Norris. Critics claim the chip is elitist. They also say it needn’t be grafted under the skin as it can work just as easily when slipped between sock and footwear. Mr Norris countered: "The Spinchip isn't elitist and it's best placed under your skin. It's for the many, not the shoe." Note: The Spinchip can also receive TV and radio broadcasts. But Mr Norris said he won't be bothering to use that facility for local BBC news coverage: " I can do without News West's blanket coverage of farmers, thank you very much," he said.
MP calls for compromise on EU Directive Wansdyke MP Dan Norris is calling for a compromise over a new EU Directive which he fears could lead to chaos in post offices across the West. The new regulations must be put in force by members states by June 2002. They would bring some categories of cash payments made on behalf of children under 16 in Britain into line with the rest of Europe. The Directive will not affect Child Benefit payments - set to rise by 25 per cent for the eldest child this month - but it has major implications for other categories of payouts for children. Chief amongst these is the remuneration received when a child loses a tooth, which must in future be paid in Euros - regardless of whether the UK enters the single currency. Under the terms of the Directive uniform payments of one Euro per tooth will be funded centrally by Brussels, but administered locally on presentation of the lost tooth at a post office counter. Mr Norris fears problems in his North East Somerset constituency: "The Directive is bound to cause longer queues in post offices. And it jeopardises the time-honoured role of the tooth fairy," he said. " There’s already talk in Brussels of extending the Directive’s scope. The proposals lack wisdom. It’s time for incisive action." Amongst the options to extend the measures currently under discussion are backdating payments for all teeth lost by minors since Britain’s entry into the EU. "Verification of claims could turn into a bureaucratic nightmare," said the Labour MP. "Preoccupation with tackling the Millennium Bug means the Gummi-Pegg Directive has been overlooked," he added. The Directive is named after two former EU Commissioners whose work led to its implementation, Mrs Gummi and Mr Pegg. Mr Norris said he feared the implications of a further proposal whereby payments would be variable according to the weight of the tooth "It would cause uproar. Post Office weighing scales are for parcels, not premolars," he said.
Bringing the Countryside to Westminister This release was issued a few weeks after a so-called 'Countryside March' in London, in which pro-hunting campaigners stated their case by 'bringing the countryside to Westminster'. It also coincided with media 'froth' about Labour MPs in the government's large Commons majority being so-called 'lobby fodder', blindly following the Whips, sheep-like. MP launches Parliamentary group to protect "crucial country pursuit" Rural life will be brought sharply into focus in Westminster later today when Labour MP Dan Norris, who represents semi-rural Wansdyke, launches a new All Party Parliamentary Group. Dan Norris says the Country Trials Group is being formed to enable MPs to demonstrate their affinity to the countryside, and to fight for the interests of a neglected agricultural pursuit. All Party Parliamentary Groups (APPGs) exist to enable MPs and Peers to join together to regularly discuss matters of mutual interest. They unite MPs of all parties. Some APPGs seek to address specific political issues, whilst others merely allow busy Parliamentarians to maintain hobbies. Examples in both categories are the APPG for coalfield communities, and the APP Motorcycling Group. Dan Norris says the new APPG will be unique, linking both objectives. It will enable MPs to pursue a hobby whilst maintaining a healthy interest in a crucial country pursuit. "The purpose of the Country Trials Group will be to reignite Parliamentary interest in sheepdog trials, where farmers and their dogs compete to show prowess in guiding sheep, " he said. "For some time I have noticed that sheepdog trials appear to have been neglected. People living in the countryside are understandably spending their leisure time at the cinema, or at home watching satellite TV or surfing the internet. If legislators don't act soon the sheepdog trial is in danger of becoming a quaint relic of a rural way of life." The group will be launched this morning at a special event in the Palace of Westminster. Dan Norris will speak on a subject he believes in passionately. This will be followed by the screening of a classis edition of BBC's One Man and His Dog. Said Dan Norris: " The new group's first objective is to get the BBC to commission a new series of the much-loved show. "We'll also have a display of sheepdog whistles at the launch. If this group really takes off I hope to realise my dream: a showpiece Sheepdog Trial in the Commons chamber itself. This would truly bring the countryside to Westminster. " I will be writing to Madam Speaker seeking permission for farmers to use her chair from which to whistle, helping the dogs guide the sheep into the 'aye' lobby."
Pavement Politics One of the key issues facing the political parties in the 1997 General Election campaign was Europe. This news release was issued by Dan Norris, (then Labour candidate in Wansdyke) on 1 April 1997, just weeks before the election. Pavement crisis: candidate calls for urgent action Labour Parliamentary candidate for Wansdyke, Dan Norris, has called for urgent action to prepare the nation for an extensive pavement re-alignment programme required by EU regulations early in the new millennium. The little known European legislation, which becomes law in the UK in 2002, gives a mandatory height for all kerbs used by pedestrians of 27.5 cm. Dan Norris fears that unless action is taken soon to bring Wansdyke pavements into line with the new requirements, much disruption could be caused at the turn of the century. "If we don’t act now to ensure our kerbs conform then I fear we could be faced with a Radical Kerb Adjustment Programme (RKAP) shortly after the millennium," he said. But he appreciates the need to tread carefully: "We mustn’t put our foot in it. Those who use pavements don’t want to hurt themselves. If taken by surprise by Unexpected Kerb Adjustments (UKAs) they might sprain things. This could, I believe, put an unpredicted and unnecessary strain on the National Health Service (NHS). The NHS can do without strain from the sprain." On Tuesday (1.4.97) Dan Norris will use a Press Conference to outline his plan for a Gradual Level Adaptation Programme (GLAP). Pavements in England and Wales would conform with an initial height (IH) if 25.8 cm by the Spring of 1998, with further changes (FCs) implemented later. The plan (P) would be subject to approval in a nationwide referendum. Dan Norris is currently working on a response to a proposed EU law which would require all Domestic Level Changes (DLCs) which would require all stairs in residential properties to be replaced by solar-powered escalators with black rubber handrails and yellow lines.
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